Woke Up Like This (NSFW)

There are few days I wake up with an erection. Today was one of those days. I think this is what I miss about my twenties.

Apologies for the poor quality.
I think this could double as a before pic for when I get back to the gym.

I should apologize for the dick pics, but since I lack a vagina, this is what I have to work with.

14 Days, Day 14

Write About How You Feel About Being Part Of The Community

I think one part of being human is we all, no matter how introverted and/or isolated some of us try to or would rather be, a sense of feeling like you’re a part of a community is always going to be there. It’s human culture. Some choose religion/faith, volunteering, secret societies, or it could be something like workplace, family, groups of friends.

Being part of the LGBT+ community gives me the feeling of being a part of a family. I can belong to this group and be open about my sexuality and gender identity, and I know there are people like me who have my back. I know the community isn’t perfect, and some people in it don’t get along with others, but that comes with the package. It’s just like family, or work, or whatever faith in which people believe. This community is about love and acceptance, and the majority of us believe in that. We continue to grow and learn more about sexuality and gender identity, and how we identify and be ourselves without risking our lives. It’s a safe space for those who have been and continue to be discriminated against by those who hate or fear us for being different from what they’ve been raised to believe is “wrong”.

Society has come a long way over the centuries, generations of people being more accepting than the predecessors. I’m happy to be a part of this community, it has given me the strength to accept myself and grow as well.

14 Days, Day 13

Post A Picture From A Long Time Ago and Talk about Your Changes in a Positive Manner
December 2012

I wanted to go further back, but I don’t have any pictures of myself on my phone from that far back. This picture is from December of 2012. 2012 is a year I would call the worst in my personal life. There was a chain of events that occurred from spring all the way to the end of summer, with only a few good moments mixed in there. My mom told me she was selling the house we both grew up in, and that she was getting a divorce from my stepdad. I got a part time job for the first time in three years. Then, my ex broke up with me and left me for her make-up artist. My friend in Utah bought me a ticket to visit her in Utah in the middle of that summer, to escape the craziness. My “friend” Ryan kept taking me out to bars all summer to “get me back in the game” or whatever. I wasn’t ready for that. I just wanted alone time. I had no apartment set up to move in to, or temporary place to stay, so I couch surfed and slept in my car until I had a place. I eventually moved in to an apartment with two women I know, replacing the one they hated that lived there, who turned out to be the one who allegedly convinced my ex to leave me for the woman she left me for. I was upset at first, but later just didn’t care and friended her back on FB and Instagram. Ryan took me out for drinks two days before my birthday, and got me really drunk. He lied to his girlfriend about what he was doing, told her he was heading home, and left me at the bar. I flirted with an older woman at the bar and she refused to let me come home with her, so I tried driving home. I got pulled over, charged with an OUI, and spent several hours in the police station. Got Ryan to pick me up and bring me to work the next day. I spent the next year wasting all my money on the programs that the state of Massachusetts had in place for people who drive/operate under the influence. I hated myself for the whole year for that one mistake. I got snappy with a lot of people for that time. I quit drinking for six weeks. I was a miserable mess, and didn’t get back to feeling somewhat good about myself until 2014. I don’t hang out with Ryan anymore. He quit drinking about 6 years ago, it was becoming a horrible addiction for him. I hope he gave up the lies as well. I still drink, but not as much as I did that night, and when I lived alone, I was more responsible with what I’d drink. I don’t mix like Ryan did. I think my biggest regret that year was telling Ryan that Brittanny broke up with me. Had I not told him, I’m sure we wouldn’t have hung out that night, or even the whole summer.

I try not to think about that time because I was a total mess. I had no real direction, or guidance, just do whatever I wanted and make sure my bills were paid on time. The only things that kept me going were my mom helping me out, my non-toxic friends, both jobs, and staying home binge watching TWD and Doctor Who on Netflix. The laptop was my everything then. So yeah, I don’t hang out with Ryan anymore, I don’t mix alcohol anymore, I’m open and more comfortable with my sexuality and gender identity, I manage my money a little better, and I think I am more mature and responsible now.

14 Days, Day 12

Post About Your Favourite LGBT+ Couple

I’m not sure if we are talking celebrity couples or couples we know personally, but I’ll provide both. My favorite celebrity couple would have to be Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka. While I’m not one to religiously follow celebrity lives and relationships, this coupe is the only one that comes to mind aside from Ellen DeGeneres and Portia DiRossi (I think I butchered the last name), and Ellen hasn’t exactly been seen in a positive light as of late. So yeah, I have seen the cute pictures NPH puts up for Halloween, and I want to say Christmas too, of him and his hubby, and their kids. They just sound like the perfect couple.

As far as people I know, I’m going to go with my friend Mike from college, and his husband Chris. I’ve known Mike for 21 years, and I was happy for him when he came out, even if I wasn’t there to hear him tell me. I just found out one day he was seeing a guy named Chris, and a couple times they came down to hang out with me. They also invited me to their wedding in Boston 12 or more years ago. It’s one of the last weddings I have attended, and the only one I have cried at, because I was so happy for Mike and Chris, and it was my first time witnessing a same-sex wedding. I don’t get invited to many weddings, so it felt like a big deal to me. They both abandoned their Facebook accounts for various reasons, but they’re still active on Instagram, and I see their posts occasionally.

I hope to one day hang out with them again, introduce my partner to them. I miss seeing Mike and Chris, and I haven’t seen them since 2013.

14 Days, Day 11

Post About How You Discovered Your Identity

Well, this is a fun ride. Let’s start with high school. In high school, I considered myself hetero. I liked girls, but I didn’t think any of them really liked me back, at least, not at my school. I didn’t think I was gay, or bi, or anything other than straight. I will say, in tenth grade, I was probably my worst version of myself. I don’t think I thought much of the LGBT community at that time, and it could have been the friends I was with who influenced me at the time, and none of us really understanding any of it. Something changed over the summer though, and I learned that by ditching one toxic friend, you can really see what you missed all that time. I learned that I was accepting of the LGBT community, and I joined the diversity council at high school by senior year.

While high school was a time of evolving from intolerance to full acceptance, college was a time where I became friends with people who identify with the LGBT community. I didn’t get to hang out much with many of them, but I enjoyed the time I spent with them. I never really explored my sexuality, but eventually did lose my virginity to a woman I met in my film class. I’m fairly certain, the whole time we were together, she was convinced I was gay, or bi at least. She tried a few times to get me to hook up with a random guy if we went to a gay club. After all, she was the first person to convince me to go to a gay club.

This also reminds me of a story from college. I have a friend from high school who was dating an art student while we all went to the same college, and we all had a lot of fun together. We ended up hanging out together, and it usually meant going to fetish night at one of the clubs. There were a few women that gave me looks, and I smiled back. “That’s a guy,” she would tell me. I think, at that point, I thought “I guess I’m not straight then.” It was something I thought could be black and white was beginning to grey itself. I wasn’t sure what my friend was trying to tell me. Maybe she thought I was straight, I mean I certainly believed it at the time.

Ok, going back to the last paragraph. While with the woman from college, she had brought me to parties, shows, etc., and I always seemed to attract gay men. She said to me “you need to stop smiling so damn much, or you’re going to end up going home with some guy.” That confused me. Probably because I am always playing myself as naive and oblivious to anyone flirting with me. Honestly, looking back, I should’ve engaged with it to see where it ended up.

I guess I could say I didn’t truly discover my sexual identity until my mid to late 20’s, but didn’t come out until my mid to late 30’s. It’s been a long journey, and I am sure it’ll continue. Not everyone knows my identity, but I’m working on it.

14 Days, Day 10

Post About Your Favorite Song

There are far too many songs I know and love. To say I have a favorite song would be like a parent saying they have a favorite child if they have more than one. I could probably narrow it down to a top five or top ten list. I’ll list them, but there’s no particular order of favorite to least.

  • Garbage- So Like A Rose
  • Rammstein- Links 2,3,4
  • Soundgarden- Fell On Black Days
  • Garbage- Can’t Cry These Tears
  • Garbage- Androgyny
  • Faith No More- Ricochet
  • Faith No More- The Gentle Art of Making Enemies
  • Robyn- Ever Again
  • Peaches- Boys Wanna Be Her
  • Rammstein- the entire Klavier album

I probably left out a lot of songs I like more than what I listed. These are all part of my workout playlist, except Soundgarden. I probably should add them to my workout playlist though. It keeps growing. I could’ve put other Peaches songs I like more, but I stuck with that one.

14 Days, Day 9

Post About Your Favorite Family Member

I never paid much attention to my family, mostly because I feel like I was in that black sheep part of the family. I never really got invited to anything, and I feel like I’m mostly forgotten by them. In this case, I would say my mom, but she passed away, and my dad, who is still alive, I only recently reconnected with, so I’m not sure he’s my favorite at this moment.

I think I would have to say my Aunt Nancy and my cousin Scott are tied as my current favorites. Nancy has always been good to me, and even offered her place for me to stay when I visited her and the rest of her family in Montana. they helped pay for my bus fare to send me to my next stop in that trip, and until five years ago, was the best cook I know. She may not be close by, but she has been there for me when I needed her, like the whole time my mom was in the hospital and when she passed.

Scott has been the best cousin. Even though he was labeled a troubled child by the family, I don’t think that’s true, I think he was misunderstood. He has helped me through a lot of problems in life. I once had serious car trouble and instead of going to a shop to get it fixed, I bought the parts and lent him my car. He didn’t accept anything, which I thought was weird- I wanted to pay him. He and his wife offered their home as a place to stay for my mom when she had to leave her home before she could get an apartment of her own. He helped me out with taking a few of my mom’s items when I was cleaning out her apartment, and even talked to me about why he’s been dealing with when his father in law died last year. I might still need his help, and I’m not sure what I can do or offer to repay him, but he’s been good to me.

Honorable mention would be my cousin Heather’s daughter, Shelby. She was probably one of the first family members I friended on Facebook. I think she’s been good to me because I brought cupcakes over one day when they were visiting from Montana. She showed me around Billings while I visited, and she was pregnant, so we couldn’t really do much, but it was fun.

I think a lot of the family I have isn’t in good terms with each other, and while some might think it’s strange, I find it to be perfectly normal.

14 Days, Day 8

Post About Your Best Friend

This would have been an easier question to answer 15-20 years ago, since I used to hang out with friends on a regular basis then. I could post about my partner again, but I feel like I already said a lot in my previous post from a couple days ago. I don’t really refer to anyone as a best friend anymore, but the closest I have (that isn’t my partner) to that would be my friend Tina.

Tina is someone I have known since we both had a Livejournal account. We began talking to each other back in 2002, possibly 2001. I don’t know how we became friends, I think I just added people based on similar interests, and she had a few with me. I think at the time she was living in Florida or Texas, and I remember the day she announced she was pregnant with her first child. I remember her saying how she was excited, nervous, and I had not known anyone at the time who had any kids. My dating experience was pretty limited at the time, and I didn’t have very many female friends. So anyway, I kept in touch with her, and I think we shared AIM screen names.

We talked about music quite a bit, and relationships too. Tina told me she is polyamorous, which I didn’t know what that meant, and asked if it was similar to polygamy. She explained to me that she can fall in love with multiple partners. This was such a foreign concept to me at the time, since most of us are brought up with the idea that monogamy is the only way to have a relationship. I wasn’t a religious person either, but then, neither was she. If anything, I believe she celebrates Pagan holidays, traditions. We talked frequently about meeting up, visiting each other, and I am pretty sure she offered to be my first, since I was still a virgin when I started talking to her. I asked if her husband was on board with that, she sounded convincing about it. At one point, we talked on the phone and I had a brief chat with her husband. He sounded intense, probably because he was an army guy. But that was the only time I spoke to him.

Later on, this woman we became friends with on LJ connected with both of us. She seemed nice at first, but really went out of her way to break us up and ruin Tina’s life. I hadn’t spoken to Tina in weeks, possibly months, because I thought she didn’t want anything to do with me. She later messaged me and told me all about the drama with this person. Years later, she told me more about it in person (I’ll get to that part later). We continued on talking about music, relationships, and eventually seeing each other at some point.

I think about five years later, I was in the middle of a long-term relationship where we had a few breakups, and in the middle of a longer break, we decided to drive across county and meet Tina for the first time. At this point, she had moved around, and settled in Utah since it’s where her family lives. The trip eventually became a full-on cross country trip, from Providence to LA, and back, with multiple stops. We eventually made it to Utah, stayed with Tina and her little fam in a hotel room for a night or two. We got a brief tour of SLC and then stayed at her place for a little bit. At the time, I don’t think Tina knew this at the time, but I was in the middle of a break, and I felt some tension around her because I think we both wanted to kiss, but didn’t act on it. Then one night, Tina came over while we were in bed, and we kissed. That felt great. I felt like there was no more tension. Unfortunately, that was the last day being in Utah and back on the road after that. She had told me about that person we both friended on LJ, and it was nuts. She just seemed hell bent on ruining everything in Tina’s life. I apologized for falling for that shit, and she forgave me, saying that “woman” was horrible.

We continued keeping in touch. She was the first person I told about my ex breaking up with me. I think I messaged her just about every day in the early parts of the breakup. I don’t think I was much of a mess during my breakup, just a little down, but talking to Tina helped. She eventually told me she was getting me a plane ticket to fly me out and visit. So I went and visited. Since there was no ex with me, I didn’t feel any pressure or tension around her. When her kids weren’t around, we had alone time, since her fiancé was at work a lot of the time. He was ok with it too, which at the time, still felt a little odd to me, but I accepted it. I think my performance issues began before visiting Tina, because it took a few days before I could do anything. I think it was all mental though, because I was afraid of the kids walking in on us. I’m not a parent, never had kids, but I’ve heard of and seen in movies and tv where kids always somehow end up walking in on their parents. Anyway, it never happened, and it wasn’t just a sexual escape- I actually got to relax, and bond with her, her kids, her fiancé, and a couple of her friends. They all love me as far as I can tell, especially her kids. I’m like an uncle to them.

There were a few more times I flew out to visit. She even had another child with her husband when I visited last. I did more napping the last two times there, and got to see more of her family- her parents and both siblings. Tina would always say she’s a lame host, but I don’t think so. I feel like she’s been a relaxing escape from my crazy world. She’s been more than that though

I haven’t been to visit since 2015, but I would love to see Tina again. She’s been there for me through a lot, and I’ve been there for her. She was the first to know about my breakup, and when I came out as bi and genderfluid. She flew me out to Utah once, and I plan on flying her out to RI in the near future. I may even see if her older daughter would be interested in coming along- they’ve never been to RI. It would likely be around the time of Pride, because I would like them to have a unique Pride experience. And, it’s also probably the best time to really experience everything RI has to offer.

Tina has been a lot to me. She’s been a friend who’s been there for me through tough times, and good times. She might not be there physically, but I know I can rely on talking to her about anything. She’s one of the only friends I have that doesn’t just send one word or one letter replies. It’s rare to have that kind of friendship.

14 Days, Day 7

Post About Your Happiest Moment In Your Life

This is another hard one. I’ve had so many happy moments, it’s hard to single out one in particular. Passing my driver’s test has to be up there, along with graduating from high school and college. I mean, before my driver’s test, I was going through a shitty year- high school sucked, the only thing that got me through high school was my friends, so passing that driving test was the first taste of freedom for me. If I didn’t like being at home, I could drive to my dad’s or ask a friend if I could visit. I worked a lot as well. I just never wanted to be home. It’s not like home life was terrible. I just didn’t want to be around my mom, stepdad, or grandmother at the time. I was a teenager, and just wanted to hang around people who shared the same interests as I did. So, I guess I could say getting my driver’s license, passing the test was my happiest moment. Kind of funny, considering how badly I wanted to quit driving when I discovered public transit when going to college in Brookline.