Recovery

Ten years ago was one of, if not, the worst years of my life. Mom lost the house and got divorced from my stepdad, the stepsons ruined the house while in the process of selling it, my ex broke up with me, and I got an OUI two days before my birthday. While I was going through the 24D program in MA, my mom had to drive me to the classes each week. The whole experience was highly expensive, and I’d never recommend trying it. During that time, I stayed sober for six weeks. I lived mostly alone. It was depressing. I almost died in the bathtub one night because I fell asleep while taking a bath.

The couple years after that, I found a way to not binge drink like I did that horrid night. I also started to distance myself from a specific group of people I thought were friends. In a way, they were, but I grew up and moved on.

Fast forward to my time with Sir. I’ve been with Them for 6 1/2 years. I learned how to drink properly and pair food with such drinks. Last year, when my mom died, I didn’t think of how it would affect me. When I cleaned out her apartment, I found a bottle of Sambuca. There wasn’t much left, just about a sip, so I finished it off. One day, I brought a pint of Jameson and had a few sips while cleaning up. I made the pint last for four or five of those days. As the pandemic picked up, my workplace had us work from home. Since I was using the upstairs office area, I would have a coffee and water with me. A few months later, I began drinking a couple nips a day while working from home. Some days I would fall asleep or pass out at the desk. One of the sober days, I took our dog for a walk. This was in March- before the nip drinking picked up. As I was walking him in the park, he pulled me hard and I fell down, knocked myself out for a long time since I hit my head. I think the concussion I received from the fall caused me to be different in a lot of ways. My drinking increased, got out of hand, and when Sur asked if I had been drinking, I would deny it. I was ashamed that I was doing this, but this was my way of dealing with stress, depression, and everything in between.

Last night I made the same stupid mistakes I made ten years ago. I drove drunk. A Samaritan stopped me in a parking lot and forced me to sit in my car while I sober up. The police got involved, Sir came by to talk to me, and I eventually went in an ambulance to the hospital. My car got towed, and I recovered in the hospital. I will be talking to a therapist at a place I want to last month, maybe do some sessions with them starting next year. After last night, I never want to drink again. I will commit to sobriety and never look back. I also learned of an LGBT+ AA meeting on Zoom, which I may attend. I’m done being a piece of shit. It’s time I act my age.

A Lot Going On

I can’t remember when my last post was, but a lot has been going on. A lot of good, a lot of bad, and plenty of in-between. I’ve hurt people I’m closest to, and even if they don’t believe me, I want them to know I still love them and want to fix my mistakes, even if it’ll take the rest of my life to do so.

I’ve been working for the post office for three months. It’s been a bigger challenge than I expected, but I am adapting as quickly as I can. Everyone in the office has shown appreciation for my hard work, especially my supervisors… the one exception would be the one training me. She has been one of the harshest critics I’ve ever worked for at any job. I haven’t received one good compliment or any positive feedback since training with her. While I appreciate her letting me know what I’m doing wrong, I would like her to acknowledge when I’m doing something right. She’s been off the past two weeks, so it’s given me the time to improve without her lurking over my shoulder. Even though everyone in the office tells me not to let her get to me, there have been moments where my stress, anxiety, and depression levels have dramatically increased because of her. She almost made me cry once. I’ve never cried at work before, and this was the closest I’ve come to it. I thought a lot about ending it all, but that would be the cowardly way out. I’d rather just work hard and not give her the satisfaction that she can beat or break me. She doesn’t get that privilege, she hasn’t earned that right. One of my supervisors, who went away for a month, was surprised I was still here, and he highly respects my hard work. Hearing all the praise from my supervisors and my coworkers will never get old for me at this place, because at my previous full time job, my manager hardly even noticed me. I really wish I could get Thanksgiving off, but that won’t happen until I become a career carrier. I’m just going to keep on trucking.

I really haven’t been doing much other than work. My mind has been fully focused on trying to improve each day. I need to be more efficient and more focused. I have been put on another antidepressant and anxiety medication. I think it’s helping a bit, but I still need something to help with the ADHD. Hopefully whenever I have my next appointment, I can discuss with my doctor about it.

One thing I did the other night before bed was watch the series finale of The Walking Dead. I am surprised, relieved, and sad that it’s over. This was a show I began to watch on Netflix ten years ago as a recommendation from my best friend Tina. I even read the comics. I’m not going to give much away about the finale, but I think they did a great job with wrapping it up, and tying in Rick and Michonne, preparing us for that series. Yes, I cried a bit watching it, but this was something I looked forward to every Sunday. And now, it’s just another show that wrapped up. I got my mom into the show, because I told her Andrew Lincoln was in it, and she loves him in the movie Love, Actually. We would watch the show together every Sunday, and watch Talking Dead afterward. I’m sad my mom didn’t get to watch the last season and last four episodes of season ten, because I think she would have liked it. I guess now I still have Fear TWD, Rick and Michonne, Dead City, and the Daryl spinoff to look forward to.

Shaved!

Today I did something I haven’t done in about six months. I shaved the genitals. I took some before and after pics as well. Sir will be pleased. It took a bit of time since I had to trim first. I have to admit, it feels a bit itchy since I haven’t done it in so long. I think there are a few spots I missed.

Before, frontal shot

Before, side view

After, frontal view

After, side view

Pride, Father’s Day, Juneteenth

Saturday night was RI Pride, and I had the pleasure of being in the parade for the softball league. One of the teams from the division below ours has some really nice folks that I chatted with while we were in the parade. One of my teammates got his picture with Darth Vader, and my team captain didn’t wear her jersey, but a t-shirt that said “DADDY” on it. I was kind of sad more of my teammates couldn’t be there, I think they would’ve had a lot of fun. I ended up seeing a few friends from high school who I hadn’t seen in years, as well as someone I met at a Twitter meet up. He was there for Channel 12, as he works there.

I stopped by my dad’s today for Father’s Day. I brought him my Monty Python series on DVD and a breakfast sandwich from Dunkin. We sat and watched five episodes of Seinfeld. My dad enjoys Seinfeld, and I used to watch it all the time as well. Not as much anymore though. I have other shows I’m interested in more, and some comedies that I like a little more than Seinfeld. I think Kramer was originally my favorite character, but George quickly took over and Elaine as well.

Juneteenth celebrations happened in the park near the house. Lots of music and fireworks. Dogs got scared, mostly Tofu though. We watched Peaky Blinders as the festivities happened. Today I am cleaning Sir’s car, and I need to shave too.

Everything

I’ve been MIA for a bit. I don’t remember what I said in my last post, so maybe some of it will sound repetitive. I’ve had a lot on my mind, and had to deal with a lot of the same shit over and over again.

I’ll start with something new. My ex who I was engaged to is officially engaged again. She and her boyfriend proposed to each other on her birthday. I’m happy for her, but I know she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. I know this because there was a year where she stopped wishing me a happy birthday, and when I wish her a happy birthday, she ignored it. This was the same year everyone was sharing their own #metoo stories, and I was the unnamed culprit in her story.

She labeled me an enabler over an incident that happened when we were with a group of friends. We had all just left the movies, heading to Dave & Buster, and one of the people in the group grabbed her ass and she looked at me and saw me laughing. She left out a lot in that story. I grabbed her ass first and shortly after I did it, the other person in the group did it as well. In this particular group of people we hung out with, two of the guys she hooked up with while we were dating. She told me both times, and I forgave her, because that’s what I thought a good boyfriend does. This act from the other person had me thinking that maybe the two of them had hooked up as well, since she had already been with two of the friends in this group.

I had apologized multiple times to her about the ass grab, and I thought she had forgiven me, but apparently she has not, and even though we aren’t together and we’re still good post-breakup, I feel like this is what she will remember me as, an enabler of sexual assault, because I didn’t do anything to stop it. I feel like I relive this moment in my head all the time, and I play out scenarios where I do stop it, but I know I can’t change the past, just learn from any stupid mistakes I have made.

I think this incident has resurfaced in my mind more since the SCOTUS decided to secretly vote to kill Roe vs Wade. Ever since high school, I have been a pro-choice ally. I have argued with friends who were, or are still, pro-lifers (I prefer to use the term anti-choice) ever since. We need this to be permanently solidified in federal law because men should not have any control over a woman’s body, not even if that man is her husband or father. I think of all the women I know, and how many of them have either managed to keep on with their lives financially, health wise, or any other reason because they had a safe abortion. It’s not an easy choice, but it should be an option. My ex told me she went to Planned Parenthood with several of her friends who all got abortions, and I remember one time there was a coworker of hers who was getting one while we were away. She gifted that coworker a big bottle of E&J when we got back. I think the conservative trash of this country needs to take a moment to see how much harm they are doing to the citizens of this country, as well as everything else from the economy to the environment. And I’m not putting all the blame on Republicans, Democrats are also to blame for not growing a fucking backbone and doing more to stop this bullshit.

Another thing I have been dealing with is my dad. He’s been in and out of the hospital twice this past month. From these visits I have learned that he has prostate cancer and struggles to keep his blood pressure at a normal level (it was very low apparently both times he’s been in). He doesn’t really talk much about it, and he doesn’t want to. He needs a podiatrist since his toenails are insanely long and gross, and kind of reddish. It wasn’t a good sight. I fear he might lose his feet if he doesn’t do anything about it, but I don’t think he cares. I think he’s depressed like my mom was, and just doesn’t want anyone’s help, like his parents were. It’s sad to see, but the only thing I feel like I can do for him is keep him company since he’s been alone for the past 15 years. The best I can do is just go and visit him. I know I should do more for him, but I find it hard to do something for someone who isn’t willing to help themselves. I know Sir has been encouraging me to get answers and be more proactive, but dealing with my dad is way harder than it was with my mom. I’m grateful to have Sir in my life, and I know I tend to go off track and do my own thing instead of what They tell me to do, but I’m working on it, even if it doesn’t look like it. I’m a constant work in progress.

On a different topic, I have been opening up to listening to a number of different musicians, groups, and genres. One thing I’ve learned from older generations is that I don’t want to be the person who says another generation’s music sucks, or doesn’t compare to what they listened to at their age. Every generation has shitty music, but the key is to find the gems that make you happy. Some bands have been recommended to me by friends (Orville Peck, Dinosaur Jr, Converge, Delta Sleep, King Woman, Bloodywood), some I found through LGBT+ news sites I follow (Mal Blum, Slothrust, SuperKnova), and others I know just from names and grew to enjoy their music (Joy Division, PVRIS, Miles Davis, Cranberries). I’ve been trying to diversify my playlist on Spotify as well as my music from my iPod. I had to transfer all my music from the iPod to my phone because it’s corrupted, so I have a lot more to listen to in the car on my way to and from work.

Life Update

March was a weird month. I had a concussion two weeks ago brought on by the puppy while walking him. I’m much better now, but it was concerning how much time I lost. I think the worst part of it was going to the ER & spending most of the day there. One of the nurses struggled to get the IV in my arm. Three tries and couldn’t get it in right. The other nurse got it in on the first try. Got a cat scan and they confirmed it was a concussion.

Therapy has changed to every other week, so I’m guessing maybe she thinks I’m doing ok, or maybe she’s trying to free up time for other clients. Either way, I think things are going well there. Also, I got an appointment for a psych evaluation next Wednesday. This will be to see if I have ADHD, or better yet, verify I have it. The application for the evaluation was a long one, and there’s a chance I may have checked off some things that might suggest I have anxiety as well. I just hope we find out more about me mentally.

I’ve been keeping in touch with a friend who used to work at the store with me and still works at one of the other stores in the same plaza as me. I’ll refer to them as T. They’re non-binary, pronouns are they/them. They have a passion for plants, pets, tattoos, and bike riding. They recently opened up about sobriety and at least working towards cutting back on some things. I’ve been considering going back to my old routine where I only drink on weekends, especially after the concussion and with my recent increase in medications. I was talking to T about how I want to get back into riding my bike, but needs to be fixed and how I’d like to go on a ride with them sometime. They have a friend who used to work on bikes and I plan on meeting him this upcoming Thursday. A

lso, after seeing some of their tattoos, I’ve been thinking I could probably go for another tattoo sometime soon. I’d like to add to the ampersand, like maybe some gender symbols there, but I think there are other ideas I have in mind. I’ve been thinking of getting one just below the waist, just the word “YOURS” in all caps. Not sure what font I would like, but I feel like it would be the right tattoo for a submissive person.

Long Overdue Post

I feel like I have been slacking on my updates. I just haven’t had much to talk about. Working both jobs, helping take care of a six month old puppy, trying to keep up with Sir’s list of chores for me has been enough to keep me busy. I’ve applied to several jobs within my company and haven’t heard anything or have been turned down. I’m about a month in with taking my antidepressant, and I have noticed some small differences. I’ve been slightly less depressed. Almost every morning I have woken up with an erection. I’ve been taking longer naps. Dreams have been kind of different in some ways.

It’s funny, one thing I have kind of let slide as of late has been shaving. I think part of it is because Sir got me an electric razor for Christmas and I only use it for my face and head. By the time I’m done, I don’t have the time or energy to apply shave cream and shave my crotch and ass, so it’s been growing out quite a bit. I may shave it at some point soon, but I’ve also been thinking if it’s possible to get a Brazilian. I’d like to try it at least once if it’s possible. I took a picture of the growth today after my workout.

It’s fuzzy

A Step Forward

I know I started this blog originally to document my journey in a D/s relationship, which it still is. However, over the years, there hasn’t been much to document, so I have been including everything else in my life from interests to really personal stuff, like my mom’s passing last year. Sunday will be the one year anniversary. I feel like my mind should be focused on that, but I have been distracted by other things, such as the snowstorm coming our way.

One thing I had been working on lately was trying to reach out to a health center that could provide psychiatric treatment for me, to evaluate my mental health. Sir has told me that I have ADHD and never went diagnosed. I have known I had depression, still do, likely since middle school. Anyway, the center I had the number for, they told me there were only two doctors who accept my insurance, and neither of them would be taking on new patients. This is the problem with this country. I think if you’re in the medical field, all health insurance should be accepted anywhere. It’s fucking stupid to block someone from treatment because they don’t have the right insurance. Anyway, I called my doctor to explain my situation and they set me up with a telemedicine call. I talked with him Wednesday and he prescribed me an antidepressant. I picked it up yesterday, and took my first pill last night.

I didn’t think I’d be taking antidepressants, but this is probably what I need to get to where I want to be.

The doctor told me I should feel the changes within 4-6 weeks. The last time I tried anything like this was Prozac when I was in high school. I hope this time will be different. One of the side effects the doctor told me was I’d have difficulty achieving an orgasm. I’m fine with that. As long as it doesn’t affect erections I am fine with that. I already have a hard time (no pun intended) keeping one for a long enough time for intercourse.

I haven’t noticed any significant changes yet, but I did feel good today. I didn’t feel down. This morning I woke up with an erection. I had another one while at work. I don’t think it’s the pill, but who knows?

I told my therapist about being genderfluid, which I don’t think I had mentioned to her in the beginning. She is supportive of it, and thinks I should be more open about it, like how I dress. She even thinks I should wear my collar out in public. She says I shouldn’t care why others think. I grew up in a town where everyone is judgmental about each other and that shit is really triggering. I don’t like being judged. I don’t think anyone does. I kind of wondered why people continue to do it, considering I don’t think anyone wants to be judged.

I think I’m finally getting my shit together.

Gaming Review

After Christmas, I decided to splurge and get two games I’ve been wanting since they were released. Legend of Zelda: Hyrule Warriors Age of Calamity, and Metroid Dread. Both are from two of my favorite Nintendo franchises, and this is the first Metroid game I’ve played since Super Metroid.

I started with Metroid Dread because I haven’t played a new Metroid game in nearly 30 years. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long because 1994 doesn’t feel like it was that long ago. I know the Prime series came out more recently, but first person games fuck with my perspective, and I’d likely not get far in the game. Anyway, I’ve only played the game a handful of times so far, and I’m stuck in this one area where one of the droids catches me and kills me. I can’t remember dying off this much in a Metroid game. I may just start over. I don’t hate it, I just need some time to get used to the controls.

Hyrule Warriors has a very different gameplay compared to Breath of the Wild. It opens up with lengthy cinematics, and you fight these long-ass battles just melee mode against moblins. Once you’ve completed a couple battle quests, a tower arises from the ground and you access a map. The map allows you to take on multiple quests and upgrade places marked on the map. Some of the quests are pretty easy, and my experience from BOTW has helped me greatly with progressing through the game.

I was taking a huge gamble with these games, but since I’ve enjoyed Zelda and Metroid in the past, I figured my passion for each game would carry over. So far, I am enjoying each game. I hope I can beat them both, and I think Zelda will be easier than Metroid this time around.

Thinking About My Genderfluidity

Over the pandemic, I’ve really embraced my gender identity, but I’ve also questioned it as well. Am I feminine or masculine enough? What can I do to feel like I’m in a good place with my gender? Should I dress more femme? Am I too masculine?

I think I’ve made some progress, yet I also feel like I’m still kind of closeted. I don’t really like the term closeted, and I don’t really think I am closeted either. I think I am out to the right people, and not everyone needs to know I am genderfluid. I’m wearing a dress as I write this, as well as a thong and WOXER briefs. I have three dresses, and my WOXER collection is close to a dozen pair. Working from home has allowed me to reach a good level of comfort and freedom to wear what I want. I don’t go on camera for meetings much, so I don’t really have to worry about fitting the masculine look while working from home.

I am still getting manicures and pedicures, and I haven’t received any negative feedback, which is good for me. Women and some men have complimented the colors I choose, so that’s been a great feeling. I think it’s great to embrace things that are traditionally considered exclusively for women, breaking the gender barrier and gender norms. With that said, there are a few things most women do which I won’t do. I will never again shave my legs or pits. I’ve explored that in the past, and I have enough hair, I don’t see the purpose of being completely hairless. I will, however, shave my genital area and ass. This is something that I do to please Sir, but also for myself, as I believe that male genitals should be as visible as possible, and also as a submissive, I believe this is a requirement. I will not shave my chest either. That is time consuming, and I go through razors too quickly when I have done it in the past. I don’t have any interest in wearing makeup, heels, or putting on wigs. I don’t see the point in makeup unless I’m dressing up for Halloween or if Sir suggests I wear some. I have tried heels before, and surprisingly, I can walk in a pair, but I don’t think they’re practical to wear all the time. I struggled with hair when I had it, it would be weird to start wearing wigs after shaving my head for 12+ years. Since I’m bald, I shave my head where any hair remains, and keep my face clean shaven when I shave.

When I’m not at home, I dress mostly masculine. No dresses, but I wear the WOXER underwear, Play Out underwear, and racer back tank tops that I found on Amazon. It allows me to still feel femme even if I’m dressed as my AMAB self. I don’t plan on changing this much, and when I’m at the gym, I wear men’s workout clothing, but it’s more form fitting as opposed to my older gym clothes which were more loose-fitting.

I just purchased a new pair of glasses on Zenni, which I’m considering as a backup pair, but if I decide I like them more than what I’m wearing now, I might work them into my rotation. They are purple, so not a traditionally masculine color, but still a men’s style.

How would I describe my style? I’d say I’m kind of butch femme, but still more masculine leaning. I feel comfortable where I am with this, and I think I’d like to maybe add another dress or a couple skirts to my wardrobe. I’m looking to keep myself mostly gender neutral, but I’d like to balance the masculine and feminine style a bit more. It sounds conflicting, and confusing, now that I put it in writing.